My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
