Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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