I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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