this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
