When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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