Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
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He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
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Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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