the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
