I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
what is it with giant penises always finding me
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
