my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
