so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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