I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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