Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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