I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
