Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
