My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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