I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
