I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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