Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
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There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
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So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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