Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
