omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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