The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
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i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
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Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
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