why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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