So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
