You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
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so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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