The maid of honor just puked.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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