i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
