i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
