A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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