Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
