I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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