Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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