My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
