Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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