I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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