I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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