woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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