Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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