Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
