Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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