I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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