my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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