probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
