Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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