do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
