I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
