"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
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I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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