Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
