the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
