i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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