she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
