well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
