I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
