So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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