my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
