I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
