you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
