Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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