A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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